Space Cadet

I’m leaving tomorrow.


Yeah. Apparently I’m getting in the car and moving up to Sacramento. Tomorrow. It’s nuts. And no, I’m not crying about it. It feels like my brain is in space. Just sorta floating. It’s been like that a lot lately. I don’t think it will hit me until I’m up there post-surgery kicking rocks like “oh-I’m-gone” and then it will hit me hard.

I won’t be kicking rocks. I’m sure the people up there are [hella] cool.

(And if any of you people are reading this, I’m not trying to be a jerk. It’s just the people down here know me and you guys up there don’t know me and I feel weird about that. But let’s be friends? I’m really good at Mario Kart if you’re into that sort of thing. I am also a firm believer in breakfast, Star Wars, and tattoos. If you’re not vibe’n with this we probably shouldn’t speak. Okay. Good talk.)

Moving on. No pun intended. Crap. I don’t want to go. I’m afraid. I seriously have no idea what’s about to hit me. My mind has been so preoccupied with getting things in order down here and trying to manage my pain that the thought of really processing leaving all these dinguses that I love so much is something I can’t even handle.

Things are insanely uncertain right now. Honestly we don’t even know for certain that my surgery will help me. And I feel like I’m at the end of my rope.

But, I want to take a moment and give a huge shout out to Jesus. I will say this until I’m dead.

He is the only reason I am getting through this. 

This morning was the coolest. I headed off to school at 9 am to participate in a literature conference as part of my senior project and driving down the 133 I suddenly felt super happy. No–not happy– filled with joy. A sort of soul-deep smile crept up in me and it was so, so nice. I mean sure I’m happy when I’m with people but to be alone and in pain and feeling this sort of joy was clearly a thing from Jesus. 

I could spell it out for hours the way Jesus keeps showing up. Gosh, He’s intentional. And personal, you know, and relentless and purposeful. He’s fully showing me that He has me and He will not under any circumstances let me forget it. 

He’s in a constant state of bombing me with love notes louder than Vegas signs. 

What more could I ever need?

This is the most insane thing (or group of things all at once, shoot) that I’ve ever been through. And yeah, it could get even harder. In fact, I know it’s about to. But Jesus is evident and tangible and He is growing me and romancing the crap out of me and showing me that He is enough. 

Sure, I’m a little shook up, but I don’t have to be. He’s already promised me He’s got this.

So, with confidence and hope in this message, strengthen those with feeble hands, shore up the weak-kneed and weary. Tell those who worry, the anxious and fearful, “Take strength; have courage! There’s nothing to fear. Look, here—your God! Right here is your God! The balance is shifting; God will right all wrongs. None other than God will give you success. He is coming to make you safe.” Then, such healing, such repair: the eyes of the blind will be opened; the ears of the deaf will be clear. 
                                            -Isaiah 35:3-5 

…But I will restore you, reclaim you, and rebuild you because I cannot help but love you. 
                                            -Isaiah 60-10b

2 thoughts on “Space Cadet

  1. Lacy Brickley recommend your blog to me. It’s honestly helping me so much. Been struggling with my health for years now but the last year I have been having symptoms of Endo. It’s been incredibly overwhelming trying to find info and doubting my health because right now I’m not in severe pain all the time but I have so much fear of it getting worse. Your blog and fire for God is helping me find perspective so thank you.


    1. Hi Kristi! Dang, so sorry to hear you’re going through health issues—and ones that look endo too. Ugh that’s so hard. 🖤 I’m so happy to hear this blog has been an encouragement in any way. I know how overwhelming it can be trying to source info & find doctors that will listen to you and properly diagnose/take care of intense symptoms like that. Five surgeries later, I am more than happy to be an open book and share anything I’ve learned and any resources I found along the way or answer any questions you might have. Please please don’t hesitate.

      I know how isolating chronic pain & health issues can be in general & even though we don’t really know each other, I’m here!🖤

      You can message me here or DM me on Instagram (@capnknots) any time!


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