So the spaceship has landed. I am here (here being Sacramento). Actually, I’ve been here for a couple days now. My room is all set up and today was my first day with the whole house to myself. All day.
I have a hard time sleeping most nights now. So a lot of times when I finally do get to sleep, I sleep until twelve or something. I don’t like that. I like sleeping in–don’t get me wrong–but I don’t like sleeping half of my day away in the process. This morning I woke up at 10:30 and I was happy about that. And one of my first thoughts (I will not try to make myself sound like a saint and say it was the first thought in my brain because it wasn’t) was Jesus and how I wanted to go spend some time with Him.
I’ll be the first to tell you I don’t spend time with Jesus every morning. I would like to make that a habit, but I also don’t think He’s super caught up on the whole “gotta write in your journal every day” thing. I think He’s just after our hearts and I think that doesn’t always look like daily journaling. I could be totally wrong. Sue me.
But the point is I sat down and opened up Jesus Calling (Sarah Young–get it girl) and today’s blurb was all about fear. And I think a lot of times I’ve said on this blog “I’m scared” and “this is scary” and stuff like that. So I figured that was pretty cool to be reading about being scared of things. The devotion referenced Mark 4:39-40 and Psalm 46:1-3 and so I jumped over to my Bible and looked those up and crapped my shorts.
Before I get to the actual verses (unless you went and looked them up already you cheater), I want to take a couple seconds to be a little vulnerable. When the idea of fear was brought to my attention I started thinking of those things in my life that make me very afraid. I came up with three things:
- I am afraid my surgery won’t work. That I will have to live in constant pain or have to take the next step and get a hysterectomy at 22, killing my ability to bear children before I am even given the chance.
- I am afraid I won’t make friends up here.
- I am afraid that when the whole dating thing happens again, I will be duped into a relationship with a dishonest and neglectful guy who will take advantage of me. I would rather be alone forever than have history repeat itself. I am so so scared of that.
Three isn’t a lot. But they are heavy fears. And they were bombing my head when I read this passage:
Jesus was back in the stern of the boat, sound asleep on a cushion, when the disciples shook Him awake.
Disciples (shouting over the storm): Jesus, Master, don’t You care that we’re going to die?
39 He got up, shouted words into the wind, and commanded the waves.
Jesus: That’s enough! Be still!
And immediately the wind died down to nothing, the waves stopped.
Jesus: 40 How can you be so afraid? After all you’ve seen, where is your faith?
Here are the disciples freaking out over the storm they’re in. So much so that they shoot Jesus a whole face full of sass when they ask Him if He even cares if they live or die. Remember, these are the guys who have been literally road tripping with Jesus watching him perform miracle on miracle and they are cowering at a storm. Jesus’ response to his buddies after he calms the storm with like one measly sentence is what knocks me on my butt.
After all you’ve seen, where is your faith?
Hello. Dang. Jesus has brought me through so much crap before this health stuff was even a thing. Painful crap. Crap I thought was going to level me. He was like “I got this. Easy.” And He had it and not only did I survive but because of Him I flourished on the other end of it. He gave my pain purpose. He made that part of my story good. And right now I am firsthand watching Him do the same thing in an even more soul-crushing and painful and scary situation. I am watching Him fill me with joy when I shouldn’t have it and totally envelop me in His crazy love in the midst of the worst thing I’ve ever been through.
Do I really think He’s going to stop?
God is our shelter and our strength.
When troubles seem near, God is nearer, and He’s ready to help.
So why run and hide?
2 No fear, no pacing, no biting fingernails.
When the earth spins out of control, we are sure and fearless.
When mountains crumble and the waters run wild, we are sure and fearless.
3 Even in heavy winds and huge waves,
or as mountains shake, we are sure and fearless.
That verse is so insane to me. It doesn’t matter if all of my worst fears come true, because I love a God who promises to make all things good. Who swears to never leave me. I want to reflect the confidence shown in this Psalm. I want people to see God when they see my mountains crumble.
So now the trick is surrendering my fears to Jesus and dropping them like they’re hot. It’s a process for sure, but with all He’s done in my life I have no doubt He will see me through this too.