Don’t Even Read This One

Three topics tonight: I’m lonely, my mom is a rock, Game of Thrones. Here we go.

I’m just going to throw this out there. I’m in a “pit” as they say. I’m a little grumpy, a little stir crazy, and a little a lot losing sight of the facts. The facts being Jesus and His totally having me and totally showing me all the time. I mean seriously that’s why I started this dang blog so I could record things and look back and be like “Wow, hey Jesus that was totally you. Hi-five.”

Between me and myself I need a little intervention. And a nice rope ladder (it feels convict-y & I like it) because I want out of this thing.

Seriously for the last six days at least I’ve been lonely. Lonely for me is not always an “I’m single” or “I have no friends up here” thing. It’s enough on its own that I’m in a unique spot right now. All of my friends [basically] have a significant other and the majority of that group are actually getting married this summer. On the one hand I get to watch and learn from their experiences. I get to look at the guys they’re dating/marrying and learn the things I like and don’t like without having to date/marry any of them. I mean, hello, perfect system. Am I right? And here you see me slip into the sarcasm that gives me away (it’s a dirty, rotten tattle-tale) and offers up the other hand which is that I totally want all that nonsense in my life. Eventually.  

Furthermore, I’ve been physically experiencing a lot of hard health stuff in the last nine months that has kept me from doing a lot of things most people my age are doing. Like, for example, getting to experience graduation. While my pals walked across the stage in their caps and gowns, I graced the couch with my sweatpants and learned how to sneeze in such a way as to not make it feel like my incisions were splitting open. Dramatic, maybe, but it was a real skill to learn. (And by that I mean it was really hard for me not to experience that coming-of-age, milestone celebration with my friends.) Anyway. It’s a tough place feeling like nobody understands. That’s where my loneliness takes root.

Which leads me to my mom and her being a total rock in my life.

I told her that stuff, through tears, whilst crying. Best/weirdest thing of my life. If anybody is reading this who doesn’t know me (either because Jesus is using this or because boredom is a real thing and it brought you here), it is a foreign concept to me to feel something deeply like sadness or loneliness or fear and talk about it when its really eating me. But I told my mom all that stuff and more stuff and she just held me and told me (1) Jesus understands me and I am not alone and He will see me through and He is allowing this because He is growing me and (2) that I “impress the hell” out of her.

This brings me to point three. I don’t see any of those things right now. I think I can really say this. I’m off my high and I’ve got myself in a hole and I’m afraid of where I am and I can’t imagine it getting better. I’m in a hole I probably dug for myself over the last week or more and when I look at myself I certainly don’t see anyone impressive.

My favorite author Donald Miller writes something awesome in his book, Searching for God Knows What, about us as humans being wired in such a way that we need to be told who we are. That and the whole looking glass self thing [I am not who you think I am, I am not who I think I am, I am who I think you think I am.] leave me over here so thankful that I have my mom in my life. Seriously, thank you Jesus, that I have this wise God-fearing woman who knows me better than anyone in my life. And she’s on a mission to look out for me and build me up. Hello Jesus and rope ladder. 

What’s point three? I know. I got carried away but it ties in I promise.

So I watch Game of Thrones. I love it. There are these bad guys, this stinkin’ army of the dead that nobody knows how to beat and there’s this guy Samwell Tarley. Sam is sort of the underdog of the Night’s Watch (these super b.a. dudes who watch this giant ice-wall), and he doesn’t seem to belong. More of a bookworm than a soldier, really. Anyway, the king is in town and while Sam is pouring over books to figure out how to kill this undead army, the king walks in and addresses him by name. The king totally knows this unassuming guy’s name & they talk for a while & he ends up telling Samwell in a manly, indirect, king way that he is valuable & needed & so forth. “Keep reading these books, Samwell Tarley,” he says, looking him in the eyes before he leaves.

And I honestly got chills. Because I was sitting there thinking, holy cow what must it have felt like to be addressed by the king, known by name, and given a charge to keep on? So cool.

Then Jesus was like “Hey Hannah remember me?” and I got all lit up because ya know…

The King of the Universe knows me by name and every day wants to talk to me and tell me who I am and give me a charge to keep on. And that’s not TV, it’s freaking real life. Game changer. All I have to do is sit still and listen.

I’m over here quietly freaking out about my life. I’m lonely, but meeting people sounds horrifying. “What brought you to Sacramento?” “Uh..” That’s a ten month story that took flight after another two year story started wrapping up.. “…lots of things?” How do I be friends with people? How do I be the new kid? I start meeting people and the move becomes real. The change is solidified. Am I ready for that? Cat lady. I’m going to be a cat lady. And I’m staring at my toes like “how do I get out of this pit?”

Jesus: Step one stop staring at your toes, ding. Love you.

Me: Right. *hangs with Jesus and life happens and it’s all okay*

This post is a mess. Life is a mess. It’s alright.

Donald Miller talks a lot about the being told who we are thing. On one page he says this:

“What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don’t worry about death, or about [anything for that matter]… We need this; we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so we can see everybody as equals, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, by that I mean the Creator.”

Hello Jesus, I need you badly. -Love, grumpy pit-digging Hannah ❤

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