It started in Cleveland. The demolition of my latest idea that I didn’t like being around people. Because they “didn’t get it.” And because I started to assume the rest of my social life would be an awkward dance of well-intended but terribly executed stabs at encouragement. You’re young. You have all the time in […]

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The Vanishing Act

The minute we crossed west over the California border I felt it. Dread. Exhaustion. Coming home from our trip meant coming home to decisions. What to do with the endometrial-looking cyst in my only ovary. What measures to take for fertility. And the question in my head: How much longer can I do this? New […]

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To Hold a Sandwich

Two days ago, I felt a sense of camaraderie with a total stranger. She was a waitress at a bistro in Bowling Green, Ohio and it happened when she brought me my bun-less burger. “Are you gluten free?” I told her I was and she asked if I knew how many gluten free things they […]

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Shark Shadows

The morning after my last post, I woke up remembering the decisions waiting for me back in California. Then a pain spike followed (as if on cue) and the two things were enough to knock me out. I fell straight into the dead zone. Three hours into the melancholy morning my mom texted me. “Hey, […]

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Take a Walk

Chronic pain, acne, hair loss, cysts, fertility issues. Those are the physical manifestations of what I’ve got. Those things out of my control. The mental game, though, I’ve got a choice in that. While I don’t have a say in when the anxiety comes on or when the depression decides to sucker punch me, I […]

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Survival Thrills

“Does anything inspire you?” I swirled my fork around the broccoli on my plate. “Not right now.” Michaela is one of those friends I feel like I can be completely raw with. Like one of the select few who could ask, “How are you doing? ” and get an honest, yucky response out of me. […]

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A Beer with God

Dear God, Today I went to church for the first time in months. My old church – where people know me and my story – and it felt like home. Thanks for that. And that song. That was something. I shouldn’t be surprised that every time I go (despite pain or every other reason trying […]

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In a Name

Somewhere around the end of high school, the Devil jumped onto my sister’s back and started to whisper lies. You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re nowhere near beautiful. The more he fed her, the less she ate, and before long he was helping her hold her hair back. Day after day. She was well into her […]

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On the Walls

It’s been a sick rollercoaster ever since we got married. And it’s my fault. I need to get pregnant.  I need to get pregnant. I need to get pregnant. Every month I felt like junk “for no good reason,” every time the test read negative, it was a colossal discouragement. A six foot overhead wave […]

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1:40 am

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I rolled on to my back and held my thumb and index finger to my eyebrows. (Why is that comforting?) It was 12:30am and Trev was calling me from the road. From the side of the road, specifically. “Yeah, it hasn’t been such a good night. I walked miles […]

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